Mrs Kilbride left Kingston in Glasgow for the New Town with her four children where she could look out of her kitchen window and see the cows in the fields. Mr Kilbride had work in the Rolls Royce factory. His son, John Kilbride, started secondary school but any chance he got he loved to explore the open countryside where he could spend whole days and then go home to take his dried up dinner from the oven. For the Kilbride family the wide open spaces presented a new way of life.
After leaving school, John Kilbride first went into the merchant navy before becoming a chef. The wide open spaces still beckoned him and leaving the New Town to explore other parts of the world was how he lived most of his adult working life. In the latter stages he went around various hotels in Scotland.
After Mr Kilbride died, Mrs Kilbride lived independently and was a widow for over 20 years. She took care of her granddaughter when she was a child because her daughter, Irene, worked - also in the Rolls Royce factory - from the time Heather, her granddaughter, was a baby. Apart from her daughter, Mrs Kilbride had three sons but it was mainly Irene and Heather she spent time with, partly because of her childminding responsibilities and also the fact that Irene had a car and they could go shopping together in the New Town Centre. Mrs Kilbride also took great pleasure in travelling and visited relatives in England, Canada and Australia, as well as taking holidays to other places. She persisted in travelling way into her eighties.
As she grew older Irene made less demands on her to take care of Heather who preferred to be with her friends and Mrs Kilbride, restless for a while, changed her address in the New Town numerous times before settling for a number of years in Montreal Park where she developed close relationships with her neighbours and enjoyed her little rose garden.
Having spent most of his working life away, John Kilbride became somewhat estranged from his mother and siblings and tended not to get involved in family decisions. What he knew was that his mother was fiercely independent and always insisted that she could manage fine. Apart from that he was aware that if his mother needed anything Irene was on hand to take her wherever she needed to go. John Kilbride had no need to worry about his mother`s welfare, or so he thought.
Reaching Out
This changed when his mother was decanted to Burns Park whilst her flat in Montreal Park was being renovated by the Council.
One day Mrs Kilbride told John that Irene had signed the missive for Burns Park on her behalf and without talking to her about it or getting her consent. This meant that Mrs Kilbride was not able to return to her former flat where she had settled herself and wished to live. She also complained that Irene had attempted to get her Rolls Royce pension paid into her own bank account. Mrs Kilbride discovered this when the company queried this by telephone. What John noticed was that his mother was becoming a bit forgetful and he wondered if this was her age. For instance, had she forgotten she had signed the missive herself? So strained had her relationship become with her daughter, that Mrs Kilbride would no longer allow Irene into her house. Mrs Kilbride accused Irene of stealing her photographs and going off with her tumble dryer when her belongings were shifted from Montreal Park to Burns Park. The excuse for taking the tumble dryer was that her new kitchen was too small. Mrs Kilbride believed that is why Irene had signed the missive so that there would be no returning the tumble dryer to her. To John, all of this came like a bolt out of the blue. Irene did not visit his mother now and he could not straighten any of this out with her.
What John noticed was that his mother`s account of her new tenancy, that is, that it had been forced on her because Irene had signed the missive, never once changed. She persisted with the same story over many months as well as the story about her Rolls Royce pension. He knew that Irene had always been the favourite with his mother and put this down to the fact that she was the youngest and the only girl. Irene had grown up expecting to be given what she wanted, and for the most part Mrs Kilbride did her best. Perhaps it was true that Irene had begun to push the boundaries. Perhaps she believed that she could take advantage of her mother`s forgetfulness and her deteriorating eyesight. For a while John could not make up his mind about it. He had never seen his mother so angry with Irene before, whereas he was getting along with his mother just fine. He was now on the alert.
What made things difficult for John was that he and his brother, George, did not get along. It was George who had muscled in, and decided that he should take charge of the situation in regard to their mother. Both Irene and George were very controlling characters, but in relation to their mother, George always had until now to take a back seat. Even so, this brother and sister were not only close to each other regarding certain aspects of their personalities , but shared friends, and had a similar kind of lifestyle. They smoked cannabis and had experimented with different drugs in their younger years. They were familiar with the New Town underworld involved in the supply of cannabis and other drugs. To this extent George and Irene shared their secrets and were partners in crime. John Kilbride knew about it, having shared the same friends himself in the early days, but because he had removed himself after leaving school, he had never got sucked into their lifestyle.
So there was a closeness between George and Irene and also a jostling for position in the family. Meanwhile, Robert, the youngest brother chose not to get involved in this power struggle. Mrs Kilbride was not unaware of the tensions between her two sons, John and George. Arguments were never tolerated in this family and so Mrs Kilbride insisted that John and George should not visit her at the same time, all of which confounded John`s problems when he wished to know what really was going on in this family. At the same time, Mrs Kilbride was totally ignorant about the underworld in the New Town because children kept that type of thing a secret from their parents.
A difficult path
John Kilbride began to call in to see his mother daily, monday to friday, leaving the weekends for his other siblings to visit. He noticed that his mother was getting very thin and more frail by the day, although she never made any complaints about it. When he examined her fridge there was only skinless sausages and mouldy cheese. He knew his mother did not eat cheese and supposed that the cheese would be there for visitors. So it seemed his mother was living on a very monotous diet of very cheap sausages and toast. She was getting so run down that she did not even notice it. He made a point of bringing in food to her and sometimes making a meal with fresh vegetables in order that they could sit down together and share a meal. He also knew that his mother liked the trays of ready meals that you could get out of Marks and Spencers. She disliked microwave food but she could put the ready meals he bought from the store and heat them in the oven, and this she managed well herself, when the need arose. Because his mother`s eyesight was failing a bit she was less able to manage cooking a meal from scratch.
George was on sick leave from the Post Office at the time and so there were those occasions, because he was an habitual early riser, when he called in to see his mother and John was present. George was always agitated, trying to whoop up his mother`s discontent, and showed his displeasure that John was there. He spent most of his time trying to find fault with John, and told him that he should stop bringing in food, as if this was a harmful thing to be doing. This made no sense to John but as so often happened he had to take care that things did not erupt into an argument. He made up his mind that he would not be following Geoge`s instructions and quietly let the matter slide. For it was George who was supposed to be taking care of his mother and John`s actions seemed to be threatening that position. George made it clear that he did not like it.
Unfortunately, George was not doing a good job. What he did was once a week or so, hire a taxi which his mother paid for; take her to the bank in order to remove her pension and pay bills; and then quickly run her round the supermarket. When John Kilbride asked his mother what had happened to the electric scooter she once used to get to the shops herself he was told that there was something wrong with the battery and it was in the repair shop. What he really wanted to know was what repair shop the scooter was in, so that he could make enquiries about it, but his mother was not clear about the details because she had not made the arrangement herself. John never did see the scooter again and it never appeared in the inventory of her possessions after his mother died.
John Kilbride also noted that there were a number of household repairs and other bits of maintenance that were not being attended to; for instance, there was a huge, unsightly stain on the living room carpet, and the gas boiler which was part of the central heating system was overheating in his mother`s house and because this was a dangerous situation which required immediate attention, he had no choice but to call in a repairman to deal with it. George began to argue with John about the necessity of this and questioned him in a volatile and accusatory manner, knowing that his mother would not be able to follow the details of their argument. She would only be upset that their conversation was getting more heated. John Kilbride decided to leave whenever things got hostile.
What John Kilbride was suspicious about was that it suited George Kilbride very well that his mother now needed George`s assistance to get to the bank. The frugal fare in her fridge raised questions about where his mother`s pension was disappearing to, and the loss of her scooter only deepened his suspicions. It is never easy to make accusations against a family member, especially when those allegations point to the abuse of one`s own mother. It is even more difficult when there are few details to back up those allegations, and the mother herself makes no complaints. John Kilbride would have preferred it if he could have rested easy with this matter. He had been out of the family loop for so long that he could easily be confused by different stories and his concerns dismissed, particularly if he was the only person voicing those concerns. It was a fragile situation that George seemed able to manipulate. But then he could not ignore the state of his mother and how vulnerable she had become.
In a sense her life long demand that there should never be arguments in her house was now working against Mrs Kilbride.
It gets worse
Mrs Kilbride had a heart condition which she lived with for many years, but had refused the standard treatment. According to her it was the reason why at eighty nine she had outlived her elder sister in Canada because she refused to take the operation recommended to her by her doctor. Nevertheless, from time to time, Mrs Kilbride had to go into hospital to have her lungs drained due to the build up of fluid which was a consequence of her condition. Mrs Kilbride had exercised her right to refuse treatment and also exercised her right to obtain the treatment she felt necessary. Not only did she outlive her elder sister, but all of her siblings. Whether or not Mrs Kilbride had been wise was beside the point according to her son, John. He was there to stand by his own mother in exercising her rights.
So during the period we are now considering there were a few occasions when Mrs Kilbride would go to Hairmyres Hospital in South Lanarkshire. On each occasion, given her age, no person in the family could have known for sure whether or not this would be Mrs Kilbride`s last admission to the hospital. At these times John Kilbride noted that his sister, Irene, although banned from his mother`s house, would sometimes appear at her bedside. In one sense that was understandable, and yet, in another it was not. He witnessed Irene working on his mother, fawning all over her, who was possibly dying, letting her know that Heather needed a prom dress for her dance at school. So sickening was this to witness, that Robert, the brother who had always avoided disputes, got up and walked away. No, `How are you feeling Mum?` about it from his sister. But rather, `We need some money,`and this from a woman with a well paid job in IT.
On another occasion, George Kilbride, had boldly walked in, who usually avoided these visits to hospital, and urged his mother to get dressed quickly whilst in the middle of a visit and rushed Mrs Kilbride away in a taxi. There were visitors present with cars, who could have taken more time and assisted Mrs Kilbride, including John himself. Instead everybody was left with their mouths hanging open. So rushed was Mrs Kilbride out of the hospital that she never picked up her false teeth and forever after that had to chew her food without them. There was no doubt about it, both Irene and George were still engaged in a tug of war, and the outcome for Mrs Kilbride was not their top priority.
There was one time when Mrs Kilbride landed in hospital after a fall. The way she described it was that it was more of a slip than a fall. She was in the bathroom and the little room was full of condensation, possibly due to the gas boiler overheating before it was fixed, and the walls and floor were wet and slippy. As she fell, one of her legs buckled under her and she went down on it in a very awkward position. She was alone in the house at the time. What she did was to drag herself slowly along the floor to the living room and then to her reclining seat. Somehow she managed to pull herself up on to the reclining seat, adjust herself into a sitting position, and reach for the telephone. The first number she thought of dialing was the taxi number she knew off by heart. As she recounted it to John she knew she was not going to be able to make it to the front door and that it was going to have to be smashed in, and she did not want any family member to get into trouble. The taxi driver passed the message on to the police.
It was only when John Kilbride went to his mother`s door and saw it boarded up that he discovered that something had happened to his mother. Neither George nor Irene informed John about it, which was standard practice for them and in this way they were still seen to be working together to keep John out of the loop. He always learned about his mother`s admissions to hospital from other sources. On this occasion after his mother was discharged from hospital he found out that George was going to smash his mother`s door again which John could not understand. It may well have been that his mother had left her key in the house on the night the ambulance came, but George should still have had his own key. Ordinarily he walked into her house when he felt like it. So what had happened to this key?
John Kilbride raced to his mother`s house to help. He managed to get there before George and his mother arrived, and was astounded to see Irene coming alongside his mother and George, carrying a huge hammar. So George had obviously gone to collect Irene and got her involved, and this is why John had got to his mother`s flat before them. By coming to the rescue with a hammar, Irene was able to invite herself into her mother`s house again although she had been banned for many months. Once inside, George and Irene, went off to Mrs Kilbride`s bedroom and could be heard whispering. As John chatted to his mother he found their behaviour strangely unnerving. What were they plotting?
Lacking in empathy
It was one mess after another. Keeping secrets from him when he could have been drawn into the circle in order to assist their mother, was not for the best.
Now that John Kilbride was visiting his mother more often and paying attention to what his siblings were doing he could not help but feel that George and Irene did not have a clue what they were doing. George, in particular, appeared to be totally lacking in empathy. A few days after one of his mother`s admissions to hospital, George booked a bus tour to Braemar for his mother and himself which his mother paid for, of course. It was true that his mother liked to travel, but there was no thought that she might need to convalesce for a while before attempting such a trip. As it turned out it must have been a miserable week for Mrs Kilbride. Whilst in hospital she had picked up a fungal infection in her mouth and it was so painful that she could not eat. George withdrew her medication, insisting that she had to eat otherwise he could not give her any of her tablets, and this he did without consulting a doctor. He did telephone Irene for advice and a relative did offer to drive to Braemar to pick up Mrs Kilbride, but George declined that offer
After their return and a visit from the GP, George was told in no uncertain terms that his mother had to take her thyroxine. Without this tablet she would be in a very weak state. It did not surprise John that his mother had little to say about her trip. According to George, she had spent most of the time in her room and he was embarassed at the sight of her as the fungal infection got worse. John immediately took the prescription from the GP and went to the chemist for the new medication and his mother was eating again within twenty four hours.
John, ordinarily a chatty but unagressive man, for once let rip with his brother, George. In an unguarded moment George let slip that he had been to rehab and was soon going to be returning to work. It was as if this revelation should have explained everything and people should really be feeling sorry for him.
Rehab! John was horrified at the idea of it. But lots of things began to make sense.
So he was understandbly relieved when South Lanarkshire Council social services became involved. At the time he was pig ignorant and believed they would work something out in the best interests of his mother. After all, they had been doing plenty of rallying and crowing about what they could do to protect vulnerable adults.
Only he could not have been more wrong.
Hospice charity shop in Glasgow
Next Respite in the care home
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